Where Have I Been??

It has been over a week since I have written. I do not know how the time has gone. I have drifted in and out of this reality. Each time I awakened from sleep, it took some time to reconnect. Our other aspects are so busy and I kept asking to awaken to a world as beautiful as the one that I had just left. The beauty is there, it is my perspective that needs tweaking at times.

This image is from a day spent by the river with my son. We were thrilled with the way the plump fluffy white cloud seemed to be trailing wispy tails. It reminded me that there is the aspect of ourselves that we see clearly, (yes that is a solid white cloud) as well as parts of ourselves that are more misty or transparent. We are all of it. The peace and the turmoil, residing side by side. The joy and sorrow. It is all learning and experience. I have experienced pain this week as I resisted what is. I am reminded again that there are orphans inside of me who are asking for recognition as I found myself responding emotionally to a situation. I knew that there was a higher view yet could not reach it. I went to a Easter week meditation where we were asked to let go and forgive on a deeper level than we have ever before. I went to each person who has chosen to not be in communication with me any longer. They are all folks who I love on a deep soul level but have turned from me on a personality level. There was such a sense of peace as I stood with each one and acknowledged our connection and released each of us to our path with gratitude for lessons given. Felt my heart expand and expand in love. Tears rolled down my face as all this took place with lovely music and a deep guiding voice.

Everything conforms to our beliefs. Easter week has seen some old beliefs come up to be dismantled and some new ones step up to take their place. I am letting go of struggle, of not being seen, of a sense of injustice (wow, that was a big one for me). I am embracing these aspects of myself and letting them know that I am accept them as part of me. They helped me at some point on the journey and I honor them for that. I honor my humanness that at times seems in opposition to my spirit. Yet, that is the old separation energy. This new energy is full of ease and grace.

I was visualizing the community that I wish to be a co-creator in. I know that it will manifest if I can hold the vision clearly. The universe must yield to me. I am a creator being. This thought brought up a sense of responsibility...yikes, here it is! Now is the time and it is up to me and no one else to make this happen. Can I do it? There are others depending on me. I felt

the responsibility sit on my shoulders. Wait..that is an energy that I am all too familiar with. It is not my responsibility to create a place for anyone. I have a desire to do so, which is a much softer energy. A desire is desirable! It feels like fun, it opens my heart. This tree of pink dogwood blossoms opened my heart so wide. I felt bathed in beauty. That is the feeling that I want! So my job at present is to imagine my community and how delicious it feels and bring that into physical manifestation. It feels like the energies are finally lining up to allow it. The earth continues to tone her "All is well" tone which settles my heart. I join her with visualizations of communities and cities of light all over this beautiful planet. Where everyone wakes with a song in their heart and the harmony that is created brings tears and laughter.

Tonight I head to bed (was there earlier for a 3 hour nap!) with gratitude for my son's wisdom. We were to begin the packing up of his apartment but neither of us felt well. Both tired, sore throats, head aches and wanting more sleep. He reminded me that it was the old way to push through and that the energy of the new was to allow it to happen when we were rested and our energies wanted to move. I know this! Yet we need reminders as we flip back and forth before this new finally anchors in. And anchor it will, I can feel it in my cells.

I am taking in big gulps of "I am loved" into my being as I prepare for bed. You are loved. I see your beauty as you are me and I, you.

An Early Easter Egg Hunt

Today was a day of beauty. The sky was overcast and it threatened rain all day. I met a friend to do a full moon meditation as well as one for Mother Earth. We sat amongst her lavender plants and channeled the energy from the core of the earth. A beautiful feminine red energy that was so soft and fluid floated out in our voices and our hearts. We intended for it to go where the need was greatest and sent our blessings with it. The two groups are listed below, one from the USA, and one from Sweden.http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_171765026197648

http://www.childrenofthesun.org/

I love that I can connect with people from all over the world, as a group body to aid our Mother in her ascension process as well as aid our brothers and sisters. I love technology for how it has brought us all together.

We went for a walk and I felt like I was on an Easter egg hunt with all thedelightful surprises that appeared. There was the tree trunk with its gift of a rock stuck inside. I felt the joy of the stone. being tucked inside this massive trunk, sheltered and held. Fields of tiny pink flowers being sipped by black butterflies sporting a lovely blue on one side of their wings and a vibrant orange on the other. They were twirling about, skipping and flitting over the fields with such grace and seeming delight. We wondered how they found each other as some pairs came together in a mating dance. What force directed them in their seeming random flight? Then we came upon a rafter of turkeys though they can also be called a "gang". This group looked like a gang. There were about twelve of them fanning their feathers and making their thrumming sound as they strutted about. They were all trying to impress one young female who expressed no interest in their grand displays. She simply turned her back and walked away. The gang followed at a stately distance, each maneuvering to show themselves in the best light. I could relate to the female's attitude. She seemed to say, "Is that all you have to show for yourselves? Those silly fans and your puffed out chests and what exactly is that red thing hanging down by your face?? I want to see your hearts, boys, not this feather dance!"

I spotted a tiny half egg shell with a feather beside it. What was its story? Did some animal raid the nest for his morning egg dish? Was the feather from the mother bird trying to protect her young? A beautiful vignette that spoke to my heart. The wild grape vines were beginning to bloom. I love the tender leaves that start as pink buds that unfurl to a soft green. The hard grey sticks of the vines sprout tiny bright green tendrils that twist and curl about any hand- hold that they can find. My friend thought that they were like us, reaching our thoughts up to God and our higher selves. We throw them up and hope to catch on something that will support us as we pull ourselves up higher. It is amazing the way a vine can reach across an empty expanse, truly flinging itself out there in mid air with no support, and by means of its tendrils, grasp onto a branch or leaf and begin to secure itself. The tendrils are amazing spirals of tight coils, they are taking no chances of falling to the ground, once they have found a support. I wonder how many times the vine does not find any support within its reach. What does it feel as it flies through the air with faith and then lands with a thud? Does this happen? Surely it happens for us as we live through the ups and downs of our lives. Yet, we too have faith and throw ourselves out there again and again, hoping to catch hold of some essence of our divinity that we can twine ourselves about and use to climb ever higher.

Mother nature holds so many secrets and though I do not know what awaits me tomorrow or next month, she reminded me that I am held. I can trust to the force of love that is behind all things.

Recentering

I aspire to be like this quiet Buddha statue, bathing in the light and shadows, observing life around me. He sits with such serenity as the leaves fall, the ivy grows around him, plants sprout and die back. To him, it is the ever changing landscape yet he is "seated" firmly on the earth. He is not jumping about in great joy nor is he wailing about some mishap or challenge in his life. He sits there accepting all, being present with it all. Loving all. As I sit and face him, I feel the peace emanating from him. I call in the essence of the Buddha to overshadow us both on this spring afternoon of gentle light. Everything feels so soft. The hummingbirds are dashing about, excited by the blossoms that have recently opened to the sun. A young hawk sits high on a tree branch and looks down at me. He is looking for my admiring glance as he lifts his wings and moves about on thebranch. I give it readily as I am thrilled by his wild beauty.

Everything wants recognition. affirmation, love. I am nestled into this place of wildness tucked into a suburban lot. A creek runs along one side of the property and oaks, birches, Japanese maples and eucalyptus trees all shine their special light about the place. My friends nurture this piece of earth and take seriously their role of stewardship. It is beautiful to behold. They plant with an eye to the needs of the birds. insects and the balance of the whole. A rooster crows in the distance and the trees sing a song that is lifted on the gentle breeze. I am part of the song as I allow my presence to be known to each one. I add my note and close my eyes so as to harmonize with the notes that I hear. I have to adjust to the deep bass of the grand oak that lords over the property. He is the elder and has earned the right to set the tone for today's symphony. Amazing how each place has its own song, its own way of connecting all its parts. The oak takes into consideration the speed with which the water flows down the

creek, the newly unfurled and tender leaves on his and others' branches, the forget me nots stretching their tiny faces of periwinkle blue to the sky, the buzz of the insects wings, and the bird songs that are carried on the faint breeze. He is the conductor who knows how to inspire each one to play their best note. I feel the need to be more of myself. To rise to his direction and to sing as purely as I can. This is what our elders knew, how to listen to the earth and its elemental life and find their place in it. That is what creates the harmony. To sit with the land and let it speak to you before acting upon it. Then it is possible to work together to create more beauty and to offer one another gifts. The earth is bountiful and she wishes to share her bounty with us just as we wish to honor her and share our gifts. What a beautiful partnership.

I came across the Scottish word, kything in a book by Madeleine L'Engle. She is one of my favorite authors. She wrote of magic for children to soar with. Kything http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kything means a sort of wordless, mind to mind communication in which one person, in essence, almost becomes another, seeing through their eyes and feeling through their senses.

Today I am kything with the trees and bathing in their stillness. I am full of gratitude for my friend offering me this space of peace and beauty.

A hummingbird is sipping the nectar from a fat magenta sage blossom. I have a plate of sliced pear, cheddar cheese and chocolate at my side. A deep sigh as a butterfly flits by. My note comes effortlessly to my lips in homage to the Divine in all things.

Floating

Woke from a dream of floating on a lake with my arms outstretched. Must have been salt water as I was floating so easily. The water was the water of love. I knew that by feeling and breathing love, the water reflected that love and spread it to all waters on the earth. I saw love water bubbling up in streams, crashing in ocean waves, running in rivers, flowing down gutters, sparkling in fountains. Love water was everywhere. My job was to float and feel the love and let the waters do the rest. It was a beautiful way to start the day. More and more, I am being shown that it is that simple and easy. We hold the intention and the elementals and universal forces, conspire to enact it. I like this!

I then had some illuminating conversations with three dear friends. I had been under the weather with very cloudy thinking for a few days and a friend helped me to pinpoint the cause and do some energy work around it. Despite my personality saying that I was fine, she listened to her inner promptings and probed deeper. She knew something was not right and followed that knowing. In doing so, she aided me greatly and opened the doorway to more of us listening to and honoring our inner voices. Each time one of us takes a step, the path widens for us all to go through.

I have been asking for more of my own gifts to come in so that I can be of greater service. It is beginning to happen. As one friend lead me through a meditation, I found myself doing or seeing something that matched the next words out of her mouth. She described a script for a play lying on the table in front of me. She told me to see it in golden white light...it had just changed into that in my mind's eye. She then directed me to pat it and my hand was already patting away! We laughed as I loved the sense of being so in tune with one another. Loved feeling more in tune with my own guidance and learning to trust it more.

Another friend asked me to go back and look at something three lifetimes ago. My rational mind said, "No can do!" I opened myself and asked my mind to step back. A feeling came through around my eyes, oh, I could not see, I was blinded. I did not have to relive any of the trauma that was around this

(big growth for me! No more pain)

but was able to access the contract that I had made to not see. The timing was perfect as I have been asking to have my third eye opened and to be granted the gift of inner sight. I have to reassure that part of me that experienced trauma from having that gift, that I will take care. I will not misuse it. I will use discernment, I will move from my heart's wisdom. I will honor the gift and do no harm.

As part of this release, there was a point where my friend said, "Oh you can say, f_ck that." Then she said that I would not have used that language so she repeated the phrase with a Scottish accent matching the times we were in. We went into gales of laughter! It seemed so ridiculous to think of this other self of mine looking at her man and saying those words. We could not stop laughing. It was so freeing and allowed the energy to move right on through with nary a bump. Now that is the kind of energy work that I like!

So much shifting and changing internally and the call to stillness will allow the necessary integration. My mind is so active and clever in its attempts to stay in charge. . I said to my friend, "I think that I will avoid the computer for this quiet time in that dear little cottage that awaits me." My mind immediately jumped on that. "Ok, no computer. We will be in our hearts all the time. No blogging, no skyping, no talking." It is so quick to make a rule, find a pattern, categorize things. It wants to KNOW and it wants a PLAN. The opposite of being in the moment. My friend and I had a good laugh about that. There is no plan, there is no knowing. I have to reassure my mind that I know that this is all difficult for her and try to find her other things to focus on.

So, I may blog, or you may not hear from me for a time. There is no plan, there is only now. Breathe into it and let go. A full day, ready for a salt bath and bed. Grateful for friends and laughter and lakes of love water.

Partaking of Our Own Nectar

Oranges...I drove down a street in Sacramento, CA and it was lined with these beautiful orange trees. The fruit was up too high to harvest without a ladder. I looked up at these beautiful golden globes of juicy sweetness and could see myself. We each have this incredible sweetness of our own divinity that is a part of us. We get glimpses of its beauty but it feels out of reach. We need a tool of some sort to harvest and partake of the nourishment offered. How do we pull down our own I Am presence and take a bite of its succulent essence? Where is my ladder that allows me to climb up and pluck all the goodness that I seek?

Today my emotions have been in high gear. I am literally flowing with the water of release, delight, fears and old patterns whose time is done. Tears, deep breaths, laughter and tears again. I ride this new wave of energy that has come flying in with today's new solar flare. I haveplucked a juicy fruit from my tree and as I bite in to its soft center, the juice is running down my face and arms. I am covered in its sweet essence. Sticky but happy!

My heart is my ladder, at least that is what I used today to stand among the branches and pick my fruit. A beautiful understanding came with my daughter, a new rung on our ladder together. My son and I entered a new plane as we communed through our hearts. We are all climbing our own ladders and the beauty of this sets my heart on fire. We are all moving closer to our truth, that vibration inside that when you strike it, the tears flow in response.

Yesterday I was sent an email describing a workshop on creating sacred spaces. You know

that recently I had decided to only be in the workshop of my heart. Yet this workshop woke something inside me as I tingled all over and KNEW without a shadow of a doubt, that this was part of me. Part of my work on the planet. I had done this before, the memories quivered inside as a strong knowing lit up every cell with a bright light. Oh, the delight of feeling this again! To feel a connection to some part of myself, to feel a tug towards some out picturing of a mastery that I had attained in another incarnation. Teaching in a new way, yet teaching all the same. I am getting that everything will look different than what my mind has conceived. If I remain open, if I climb the ladder of my heart with courage and resolve, I will be gifted with a sweeter taste than any previously imagined.

Archangel Metatron has been speaking to me through others' channelings and the whispers of my heart. I love that since I began calling to him, he has responded so lovingly to me. He wrote about a group of us who have chosen to be single at this point in our lives to work towards our mastery. To truly embrace the gifts of our soul and its wisdom. Many being women in the fifties category. I cried when he said that it was not because we had failed at relationship nor were incapable of finding someone but rather that we had set this time aside for ourselves to truly win our mastery. That resonated with me and I know its truth.

http://wingingwithwhitehawk.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/on-being-alone/

It truly helps to have these confirmations appear when I am in need! I love that the universe works in this way. We are each gifted our truth of the moment and all that supports that next step will be there. I am filled with awe as I witness this time and time again.

Time for a nap. Gratitude for all that has come. Grateful for a couple of dear friends who have stepped forth to offer a sheltering space for this inward time of mine. Who have understood my back and forth, up and down, moment to moment life. I do not need it at the moment as I have a space provided but to know that there is a home waiting for me, is a gift of immeasurable comfort. Archangel Michael had told me that I would never lack a home but would be offered many and he is true to his word. My homelessness is part of my path at this time and I accept all that entails at this moment. To be the receiver when being the giver was ever the more comfortable path.

Truly, we are not the easiest folks to be around with our intensity as this birthing is taking place. Thank you to all who have shown me love in this lifetime and particularly to those who are supporting me at this critical juncture where I am more vulnerable than I have ever been. My heart receives and radiates this love in deepest gratitude.

I Am the Purple House

Watching myself these days, here in the void. It is truly amazing to see how many layers there are inside of us. You peel one back, (or twenty!) and find that you are in a new landscape yet again. You look around and say, "Hey, some of this feels familiar. I am tired of this, I want something new. New, do you hear me? Is anyone listening?"

Curled up on the bed, letting the headaches and nausea have their way. Another layer of surrender is at hand. You would think that I would be a veteran of the surrender game, after these last few years. Possessions, home, friends, place, predictable schedule, (any ability to predict a day ahead) ........so much jettisoned on this path to mastery. Yet I stand before a door that requires a new level of surrender to enter in. I must surrender all of me that I have come to know in these last few years. All the hard earned wisdom that I gathered on my many miles of traveling about...over the side it goes. I have to "unknow me". I read that phrase somewhere recently and it struck like a hot iron. Yes, that is where I am. The new earth requires letting go of all of the old and that includes any idea of who I am. My mind has many stories about the work that I do, the path that I am following. I am being asked to stand in the void and orient myself. There is no sun rising to establish East nor North Star to point out North. I am free falling in space and I am beginning to sense how to be at peace in this space. That is where the surrender comes in big time, let go, let go. No knowing, let go of the need to know anything. I sense that I can orient myself in my heart. I am still twirling and whirling but there is a center that I can almost grasp. I sense it rather than see it. I am moving closer all the time. It seems counter intuitive to let go completely in order to find my way. We are moving out of the reign of the mind and into the new reign of the heart. Takes a whole new set of skills. This free fall is the gateway.

Watching people move in and out of my life. A call from my former spouse (who had put me on the outs, do not contact list) expressing concern that I was in a dark place. His family (they read my blog?) had gotten that from my blog and alerted him. The interesting thing was that it was the drama that was the draw. The adrenaline rush of seeing a "problem" and wanting to get into the thick of it. Drama has been a way of moving through life for so long, going from problem to problem, feeding on the hit of energy generated. It was a strong thread in his family as it was in mine but the vibration feels so foreign to me now. It interested me how I can now see the energy behind the words spoken. We are moving into transparency where nothing will be hidden as we will all read one another's intents. No longer will I experience that strange sense of being told something and having my heart feel the opposite. My mind would struggle with the contradiction and conclude that I was wrong in my read of it. Now I trust myself and my ability to read what is truly being said. This is my time as my truth telling open heart can sing its song and know that it is received with love by me, by my mother and father God. I will no longer abandon her to someone else's truth.

That is the other thing, my heart feels like it has shattered, over and over. I have watched explosions taking place, like big fireworks inside as I felt my angels and guides step back, leaving me to myself. The void is all encompassing. I am understanding that is the way to the openness required. That is why I am seeking a protective space for a time. I cannot put on the covering that is required to walk about in the 3D world. I have to leave myself wide open, heart on fire, open to the air to burn brightly. I see the white fire and know that I am it. Purifying all, burning through the barriers, the protective coverings. I am reminded of the images of my Catholic childhood of Mother Mary's and Jesus' sacred hearts. A bit gruesome

to a child but I am understanding them in a new way today. All the darts and arrows turn to ash as every perceived wound or hurt is consumed.

I feel like this purple house I passed as I took a short walk in the city today. In many places, this house would be out of place. Too loud, too bold, too bright. Yet in San Francisco, it is just right. It matches the mood of the city. I am entering a land where I am just right. Where I match, where I know the right colors to wear and my heart light shines in delight. The welcome home sign is being prepared to be hung. Oh, I can hear the faint notes of the band tuning up. There will be a celebration as we enter in, heart lights streaming. (my new favorite phrase!)

Gratitude Returns as well as Acceptance

Thank goodness life changes and we can move into newness. After a few days of "stormy weather" in my being, I am experiencing a peaceful dawn. I had gone into a resistance mode to the sudden onset of physical detox symptoms as well as to the void that I found myself in. Taken together, I was ready to depart this plane. Nothing made sense as I could not touch anything. My usual delight in the simple pleasures of nature and people had departed. My desire for anything was gone, holding a vision seemed too heavy, my body seemed to have revolted and left me flat. What was there to hold onto? My faith that has been my pillar and rod, was sorely tested. I knew that I had come for this very time on this planet. I came to help birth the new earth. It mattered not, I could participate from the other side of the veil where at least I would see the big picture and understand my part in it. Where I would be in my lightbody rather than this physical vessel that felt too heavy and cumbersome. I called out to God to take me home.

She/He did not act on my request. She allowed me to find my own way home again. I am grateful for Her belief in my abilities. I am grateful to be back! I am grateful to smell these blossoms and delight in the colors and form. I am grateful for this tree outside the window. I am grateful for the talk with my son that helped me understand that I am not strong enough to camp in the desert right now. I am grateful for Marlene, the Rainbow Scribe writer, to be back from her vacation and for posting Hilarion's weekly update that settled my heart this morning. http://www.therainbowscribe.com/hilarion2011.htm

I am grateful for a dear friend who has been my angel for so many years who has once again stepped in to offer me shelter when I need it. I did not want to impose and prayed for the energy to locate a safe space to be in for this transition time when my body needs rest. As my mind wrestled with Craigslist and looked through options, I felt more muddled and confused. But this morning, my guides have shown me that this dear angel is offering what I need and I am to be gracious in receiving. Not having a mother to turn to when you feel like a child who needs nurturing, has been my experience for the past 30 years of my life. I have had Mother Mary who has rocked me in her arms more times than I can count but I was in need of something on this physical plane. This friend has been that mother energy to me. How fortunate I am that she has continued to love and support me through all my changes.

I am embracing this void as the next stage in my evolution to becoming the butterfly that I am. I had thought that the five months of hibernation in San Francisco would have done the job but there is more to do. The chrysalis is breaking open, which was the impetus to packing my car and moving once again. I felt the faint stirring of air on my newly grown wings. I took that as a sign that I was ready to soar. When I came crashing down, I wanted out of the whole game. I felt cheated, manipulated, used. Every time I was in the magic and miracles realm, it disappeared before my eyes. And believe me, I had entered that realm time and time again over the past couple of years with my whole heart singing its song of love and oneness. Yet the vibrations around me did not yield and I was back in the lifting mode. Enough!

I see now what I had missed. I have watched a butterfly emerge from its cocoon. It struggles to break free from that confining crust. That takes energy a plenty. It then rests and oh so gently begins to unfold its wings. Even when the wings have opened and dried in the air, there remains a period of stillness as it adjusts to its new form. I can recall the butterfly sitting so peacefully in the sun. No longer struggling with the cocoon yet not ready for flight. I was dazzled that I could hold out my finger and it would gently climb aboard and rest with me. So open and vulnerable and trusting.

That is me. I am craving stillness and rest as I unfold these new wings and adjust to life in a new form. I feel hyper sensitive to energies and vibrations. It feels like I have no skin, no boundaries in this new body. There is still detoxing to go through as the physical vehicle is being changed to its new crystalline form. I am in the process of metamorphosis. As I breathe into this new space and see myself as that butterfly, I feel such compassion for myself and all my brothers and sisters on this planet. We are so courageous and beautiful. We open our hearts wide and trust that life will treat us gently. We know that is our birthright, to live in a world that supports and embraces open hearts of love. Where there is no need of defenses nor boundaries as there is only love.

The tears and gratitude flow as my heart expands in this new space of love. I can embrace myself as I unfold these gossamer wings of light, that I now know, will carry me into the light of the new land.